The Courage To Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness (Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga)

 [Book Review]

"The Courage to Be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is a self-help book based on the principles of Adlerian psychology. Written as a Socratic dialogue between a philosopher and a young man, the book challenges conventional beliefs about happiness, self-worth, and interpersonal relationships. The core message is that happiness is a choice and that individuals can free themselves from past traumas, social expectations, and fear of rejection to lead fulfilling lives.

I rate this book as the most insightful and comprehensive observations on meaning of life which I have ever read.

Concept 1: Denial of Trauma (Chapter 1)

People are not bonded nor restricted by past experiences but by the meanings they assign to them. Trauma does not dictate one’s life; rather, people choose how to interpret and respond to past events. The key idea here is that people can change their present and future by changing their perspectives on the past.

Concept 2: Discarding the Need for Recognition & Other People's Task (Chapter 2 & 3)

People often seek approval from others, leading to unnecessary suffering. Seeking recognition is a burden. people should not live their lives to please others but instead focus on living according to their own values.

We should learn the concept of "separation of tasks," which means that we are only responsible for our own tasks, not others’ reactions or choices. For example, we can choose to be kind, but we cannot control how others respond. This principle frees us from guilt or obligation to “fix” others’ lives, fostering independence and reducing interpersonal conflict.

By freeing ourselves from the desire to be liked, people can live more authentically. true freedom comes from having "the courage to be disliked"—accepting that not everyone will approve of you and being okay with it. This liberates individuals from the constant pressure of trying to fit in or meet societal expectations.

Concept 3: Living in the Present Moment (Chapter 4)

Many people believe they cannot be happy until they achieve certain goals (e.g., career success, wealth, or romantic relationships). However, happiness is not something to be pursued in the future but something one chooses in the present. By choosing to be happy now and engaging in meaningful actions, people can lead fulfilling lives without waiting for external conditions to change.

Concept 4: True Happiness lies in Contribution to the Community (Chapter 5)

True happiness is found in relationships based on mutual respect and contribution rather than competition or hierarchy. People should strive for a sense of belonging through acts of service rather than seeking superiority over others.